I've not been consistent or faithful to my lenten devotion. My prayer time the past few weeks - well the past month or two - has suffered greatly. Satan works in sneaky ways, to the point of not noticing what is happening. Satan has been working on me, making me lazy, lacking discipline, as well as contributing to my feeling beat down and not good enough. I am in great need of God's wonderful grace, and yet cannot seem to grasp onto it. Which is a strange thing for me to say because I know that its out there, all I need to do is grab hold...why can't I do this? Why do I allow my will power to decline and settle for less than what I can do? I have this feeling - this desire for something - and after trying to pinpoint what it is (do I wish Eric were here, am I thirsty, should I sleep, etc...) I walk around searching for something, some satisfaction to cure my restlessness, and I realize that I'm thirsting for the Lord in my heart and in my life. Lord why do I hide from you? Why do I try to pretend not to want you?! I know that we go through spiritual highs and lows, valleys and mountains, drenches and thirsts...I know this. But how I hate feeling this spiritually low. I feel that we should always be struggling for perfection, I only wish it didn't feel this way. My friends, I need your prayers.

Perhaps lack of consistency is my problem. I don't feel like I've found my nitch yet...I keep telling myself that I need routine, that if I get into a schedule I like and feel comfortable with and that works in my life, I will be more organized and just scheduled. I have not been accomplishing this. When I read - whether it be in the morning, mid day or evening - I cannot concentrate. I find my mind going in other directions and I sit there, almost in a daze. It has become overwhelmingly frustrating lately, and I give up so quickly.

I think I need to go back to praying in the morning - that's when I had the most success. And I hope that my dedication to my spiritual life increases, therefore increasing my dedication and discipline in other aspects of my life.

I was reading a few journal entries in my prayer journal - before I began blogging I wrote in my notebook about the daily readings, and just my thoughts, very similar to this outlet - and one from January stuck out at me. I began the entry with, "The readings were really good today! Timothy spoke of one friend encouraging another friend to use the flame that God gave them to be ablaze for Christ!" I read that and I remembered what it felt like to enjoy reading scripture and spending my time with God. What am I waiting for - He's calling me back to Him...why do I protest?!