We've all had them - those moments in life where nothing we do seems to be right, we have low self-esteem moments and we just feel really low. If that weren't enough, the women in my family have told me from the beginning that our family has chemical-embalencement issues, which make our highs higher and our lows dangerously low. I consider myself lucky in that I believe I got less of these problems than others in my family, as I've been able to deal with these highs and lows relatively well. There was a span of 3 or 4 years in college where I wasn't sure I could handle these rapidly changing emotions, and my lows were the lowest I've ever experienced. Counseling helped, as did my mother's and sisters' constant support. And I'm now at the point where I can recognize when these moments are happening and deal with them in rational ways, and I don't feel crazy like I used to think I was!
I suppose me writing this in my blog is a bit of therapy for me, or an outlet to deal with some feelings or emotions I cannot express well verbally.
There are times when I feel worthless and uninteresting, and I hate that.
Its frustrating that men (in general) don't always understand women or how to help us or communicate with us. Must women teach men how to do things the way we want them to go, or should we simply be less dramatic and straight and to the point? I like to think that I'm fairly drama-free, but I do know that I can be a bit of a diva sometimes. It also seems to be that the drama comes along with these emotional roller coaster moments - coincidence, or do I simply think too much? I've been a classic over-thinker with things in my life, and probably spend too much brain power on insignificant things that just don't matter in the grand scheme of life. Probably. . . .
One of the worst feelings is the feeling of doubt and insecurity. Not knowing what to do or say, or how to handle something. People say go with your instinct - but what if your instinct is wrong? When I'm emotional or my feelings have been hurt or my pride damaged, my instinct is to clam up, not speak and expect other people to know the right thing to do or say. I know that this is not helpful, but that is my instinct. For example, when I have a tiff with my boy-friend I do the "girl" thing and get an attitude and expect him to know what's wrong with me. And its not until after this damage has already been done (by me) do I think about explaining my thoughts or expressing my concerns about the situation. Why do I do this?
Now I pose this question to myself: Can I change the way I handle these sensitive situations? Surely I can learn from my past and, like learning to deal with my maturing emotions, learn how to stop myself from being this immature person. Thinking about it over and over and over again (classic over-thinker), I tell myself that with a mature outlook, and of course, with the Lord's strength, wisdom and guidance, I know that I can eventually, and maybe even bit by bit, break this pattern I've hated about myself for so long.
