October

Well, my weekly goal has not been successful - everything is just so crazy and busy. I'm really looking forward to things slowing down a bit, and be able to get to the point where we can take a weekend and not go somewhere or have a commitment. Unfortunately I don't see that happening in the near future.

School is already a 1/4 of the way through, and I almost can't believe it! My classes are great so far, and we're making some really nice progress. We had our fall concert last week and it went really well! Its really cool to see how they react in that "formal" concert setting as performers, and I love recognizing how far they've come since we first started the music. I'm particularly proud of my audition choir, the AMS Star Singers. Not only have they improved a lot since the beginning of the year, but they are really starting to mature as choir members. For example: The day after the concert we watched the video recording, and after they had heard and seen themselves perform, they were so full of constructive critiques! They talked about blend and dynamics and musically expressive ideas - what went well and what we still needed to work on. I was so impressed to hear them talk like that, and be so musically mature in their observations! We definitely have our work cut out for us, but we'll have such fun working on it together!

Many of the area schools weren't in session today for "Fall Break," and the day off has been nice. Tonight Eric is in Wichita, visiting some friends and doing some music shopping, while I spent my time this afternoon in Manhattan, attending an appointment and visiting my niece at KSU.

I last wrote about Eric and I being deep in the wedding planning process, but since school and all the events that come with it have really picked up, we haven't talked much about it lately. We have most of the big things down: the church and venue booked, our DJ booked (thanks to my brother Jeff's suggestion and connection), and our wedding party selected, although we haven't asked all of them yet, so I feel pretty good about where we are planning-wise. I have been a little stressed about choosing a photographer. Its such a big part of the wedding, and its also very expensive! And of course, me being the "frugal" spender that I am, I have been trying to find the best deal. Unfortunately what I've found so far is photographers that are either affordable but not very good quality, OR really good quality, but really pricey. Many of the expensive prices I've found wouldn't be that bad if they included at least some prints in the package. But most do not. I think what Eric and I have concluded is that we'll just have to find the photographer that we like the best and then just bite the bullet. Its such a two-sided coin too, the photography issue. Many people that said that they took the cheaper route on their wedding photos have also said that they wished they would've went ahead and spent the money, cutting back somewhere else on their wedding - and then many people also say that they hardly look at their wedding album (so is it really worth all that money?). And I'm sure we won't look at it everyday, or even a lot, but if we do spend the money, at least we'll enjoy looking at our wedding photos when we do, instead of wishing we had spent the money for them, right? Still, a decision has yet to be made, and I would really like to get that decided and booked as soon as we can.

As you can most likely tell from the pictures I've uploaded so far, we did choose someone to do our engagement pictures - and we really like them! Its a local guy who does really nice work. It was a fun afternoon and we got a lot of nice pics.

A big detail to planning the wedding is, of course, the attire; specifically the bridesmaid dresses and my wedding dress. I've been shopping for dresses twice, both times w/ 2 of my sisters and my mother. The first time was fun, but towards the end I got really overwhelmed and had a little breakdown - and no dress to show for the day. The second time was yesterday, and it went much better! And I had more success in the process! Although I didn't come away with a dress, I have a MUCH better idea of what I want, and I'm stronger in my opinion of what I would like to see myself in on our special day. The first store we went to I found a dress that I really responded to, and I really liked it a lot. I even welled up a little when I saw myself in the mirror.

So far when I've tried on dresses, I've liked certain things about a dress, "I like this bodice, but not the way this skirt lays," or, "I like the pickups on this dress' skirt, but I don't like the way the bodice is designed," etc. This was the first dress that I have tried on that I liked everything about it, but I still wasn't convinced that this was my dress. So on we went to the next store, where I tried on a really beautiful dress! It was very simple, but I liked that about it - it was simple but elegant! I really loved that one a lot, and I was more convinced that that dress was closer to my dress. It was a little more expensive and it was a size too small, but those things could be worked out a bit. So for now, we'll see what happens.

I'm pretty sure that my indecisiveness is getting frustrated for some, but for once I feel like I can take my time and really make up my mind about what I want. I'm going to wait for the right dress and I know that I will decide upon my dress and the bridesmaid dresses with plenty of time before the wedding.

Aside from school, Eric and the wedding planning, tomorrow I'm journeying out west to attend the bridal shower and bachelorette party of my very good friend, Abigail, and I'm so so excited about seeing her and spending time w/ her and everyone I miss! It'll be such a nice time, and I can't wait to see the beautiful bride! Here's praying for a swift and safe trip!

Saturday Blogging

WOW!!! Its been April since I've last posted! Wow, guess that means I've been busy - or lazy - either one is really probably true. :) BUT here I am, back at it and I'm hoping to make this a weekly thing. I've found that one of my downfalls to productivity is my own living room. I get home from work or working out and I sit down, "just for a few minutes," turn on the tv, and the next thing I know its 9:30 and time to get ready for bed! So, in an attempt to rectify that situation, I've decided that once a week I will leave my apartment, get a cup of coffee and sit somewhere pleasant and blog. My apartment just doesn't have that writing, inspirational fung shui feeling about it.

So here I sit, 6 pm on a Saturday evening, in a booth at McDonald's, drinking my yummy mocha coffee drink, blogging. Now, McDonald's isn't exactly what I'd call an inspiring place to sit and muse on my life happenings, but alas, there are very few options for coffee shop venues in our small but lovely town. There is a nice little bakery/book store just down the street from my apartment, but it has odd hours and is closed a lot. I just heard on the radio today that Russell Stover Chocolate factory, also not far from my place, is newly remodeled with a lot of extra perks - including a new coffee bar! But, again, it was closed this evening. Hopefully in the future I will be able to get myself motivated before the early evening hours on the weekends, and be able to make it more often to what I hope are more inviting and quiet atmospheres. But, nevertheless, I am successfully blogging - and boy do I have things to share!

When I left off on my last post I was rejoicing in the season of Easter, and I had been reading and writing about daily scripture. I have recently stopped reading daily scripture and now what I'm enjoying is a book that one of my accompanists gave me, "A Woman After God's Own Heart." So far I really enjoy reading it and I've found that its helping bring to mind many of Christ's goodness in my own life.

I suppose the biggest piece of news to discuss is my engagement! Yes, its finally happened and I couldn't be happier. The wonderful man I've written about, Eric, asked me to marry him in early August. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else who has ever made me so happy! I have it made for life, to be able to share my life with him and for us to be able to grow further together through Christ - I am so blessed!

The way he proposed was so creative and thoughtful - he sent me on a scavenger hunt to a bunch of our special places around town, each place having a note explaining why he had picked that place and giving me a special insight to his love for me. The journey ended where we met, at the high school football field, and he was waiting for me there on the track in a suit and tie (in 106 degree heat!), where he then got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I remember thinking throughout the whole trip, "when he gets to the proposing part, remember to focus and pay attention, you'll want to remember what he says to you forever!" Haha - I was so excited and shaky and I couldn't breathe! My ring is beautiful, its perfect and I couldn't wish for anything more beautiful! He met my sister that same day - just a couple hours before I started the scavenger hunt actually! - to pick out and buy the ring. I had no idea! I knew that it was going to happen sometime soon, but that day it was the furthest

thing from my mind. We had plans to eat dinner together, but when he called me and told me that he needed me to go down to my car to get a note he had left me, "and oh, by the way, you'll need to go put some socks and shoes on," I knew something was up. It was so sweet and wonderful, he said it went perfectly, just like he wanted, and I couldn't imagine it any different.

So, now we're deep in the wedding plans! We've scheduled our date for June 23, 2012, we've started meeting with the priest for our marriage prep, and we've chosen our bridal party. I've got all kinds of ideas for my dress, bridesmaid dresses, colors, party favors, music - oh the music! One thing that's definite about two music teachers marrying each other, the music portion of the wedding is sure to be outstanding! We have been talking music possibilities since the night we got engaged. And of course, he's extremely involved and opinionated about this specific topic. He told me, "you know how they say that women have been planning their wedding since they were a little girl, well never in a million years did I think I would marry another music person, so I've been planning the musical portion

of my wedding for a really really long time!" Haha - he's so darn cute! We've tossed around ideas about what we want, and I can't wait to experience our ceremony, especially the music we'll have! I think the biggest challenge we'll have (aside from having to choose between college musician friends) is walking the fine line between beautiful ceremony vs. matrimonial concert! Hahaha. We'll see what happens I guess.

My mom met Eric's parents last weekend, and it went really well! I was a little nervous going into it, but not for the same reasons that people are usually worried about meeting the in-laws. Its been 2 years since dad died and mom keeps facing new and difficult situations that are meant for her AND her husband. Although I can still get choked up and emotional from time to time, I think I've dealt relatively well with the fact that I will not have my daddy to walk me down the isle at my wedding and give me away, but its a different story for my mom. Meeting the parents is something that is supposed to be done by both the mother and the father, and I think that preparing this wedding and all that it entails without my dad will be very difficult for her. However, despite this emotional and challenging event, she did extremely well, and the first meeting was very successful! My mother and Eric's mother both have very similar styles and views about many things, and I think that planning this wedding with both sides of the family will go off without a hitch! We all laughed and discussed and really enjoyed one another's company - it went very well. We're all very blessed :)

Speaking of my mother, she had eye surgery yesterday. She has muscle problems in her eyes that make them focus in 2 different places, so without her monstrously thick prism glasses she sees things in double. So to help correct this, the surgeon shortened some of her eye muscles and reattached them so that her eyes would focus in the same direction. I spoke to her yesterday - after the 10 minute procedure - wow, technology - and she says that while its still changing a little, she can already see better and the double vision is much better w/ out her glasses! So here's hoping that this procedure works and she can see again without as many problems as before.

School has started again, and we're already more than 4 weeks into events, rehearsals, football games, tests and all the things that being a music teacher requires. So far this year I have a great group of kids all the way around, and it should be a terrific year!

I've also recently started selling Mary Kay! Its an exciting new adventure for me, and I hope I do well with it. My first financial Mary Kay goal is to make back the money that I took from my savings to invest in inventory - I'm not close yet, but I'm well on my way, so here's hoping! If you need a Mary Kay cosmetic consultant, you can call or write or visit my personal MK website - marykay.com/kesteinert :)

Its fall already, and tonight I will go home, clean and then decorate for the season! I love this time of the year, the crisp autumn weather and the gorgeous colors of changing leaves. So with that I will wrap up this post, and I look forward to writing more frequently in the future.

Praise the Lord!

Ah yes, Easter season is now here and the time has come for much rejoicing! Jesus Christ has been risen from the dead, all doubt and fear have been erased, and all our sin and death has been taken away by his death and resurrection! The promise of eternal life through out wonderful Father and Lord!

Not yet in my adult life have I enjoyed fully the promises and the joy of Easter - and its time to start rejoicing! Jesus is constantly trying to give us blessings, hope and promises that if we truly follow him, we will have life beyond the grave and live with Him forever in His kingdom! For whatever reason, the past few months I've been living in darkness and negativity. Its time for me to step into the light of God's promise for me! My new goal is to praise the Lord more every day and to build up my faith and trust in our Heavenly Father! Christ the Lord has risen - Alleluia!!!

In the first reading today (Acts, chapter 2) we read of hope that comes from trust in the Lord, "I saw the Lord ever before me, with him at my right hand I shall not be disturbed. Therefore my heart has been glad and my tongue has exulted; my flesh, too, will dwell in hope, because you will not abandon my soul to the netherworld, nor will you suffer your holy one to see corruption. You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence." How wonderful, to be filled in joy in the presence of Christ. This is what I seek - praise the Lord!

Afterthought

After reading one of my good friends' blogs this morning about the dating of Easter, I am reminded of the true meaning of the lenten season, and of Easter! To quote Reverend Cindy Watson:

Regardless of the date, Easter is pivotal in the life of the church. Easter is the promise of new life and hope in a world that is often filled with despair and death.

No matter the date, it is a joy for all Christians to celebrate Easter together. Our experience of resurrection is what helps us be the body of Christ in the world.

After reading this I am now filled with hope and joy, and will immerse myself in God's mysteries and promises, especially in the next 4 days! Thanks Cindy, I needed that!

A servant of Jesus

The last couple weeks or so I've been struggling with my inner evil, Satan has been really pulling at me. With my attitude, my work ethic, my mood, my relationships, and most of all my prayer life. Today when I read the 1st reading it didn't excite me or make me feel good - rather it sort of made me feel worse. It was Isaiah 50: 4-9, which reads: "The Lord has given me a well-trained tongue, that I might know how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them. Morning after morning he opens my ear that I may hear; and I have not rebelled, have not turned back." If anything, these verses only show a complete 180 to what I've been going through and dealing with and feeling for a while. I don't feel like God has given me a well-trained tongue...and if He has I don't know how to access it to help others when they need help. I know for a fact I've been rebelling and turning my back on the things I should be doing. Now I know God is always calling, always trying to get me to listen...but I haven't heard anything from Him in a while. Is this my own falling? Yes. Is it my job to get me back to a place where I used to be, praising His name and coming to Him every day in prayer? Yes, with His help, of course. I know that in Him all things are possible! I know that....so why is it so hard to stay in that place where I feel God's glory shine on my face?! I know how it feels to be there and it feels wonderful! And this place feels so destitute, just awful. And I think there's something to be said for going through highs and lows; valleys and peaks...otherwise how will we know how to appreciate our highs when we get them? I guess I need more help than normal, getting back to God and being in a place where I can see Him. Perhaps I've started already.

For those of you praying, I need prayers for my sisters. One is in a very very dark place right now, darker and deeper than I can imagine, and she will not be able to crawl out herself. She is fighting a battle so heavy and so large she cannot do it alone - and yet she won't allow others to help her fight this battle. Please pray that our Lord can pierce her heart and give her the graces she needs to get through this. Another sister and her daughter also need prayers. A couple weeks ago my new niece Kimberly was flown to the children's hospital in Denver with a partially collapsed lung. She made progress and they are now home, supposedly doing much better. Please pray for her continued health and strength. Thank you with all my heart!

The Lord is my Shepard

Today's psalm was the 23rd, which is one of my favorites! Its so reassuring, giving of hope and reminding us that we have so many things to be thankful for. "...in verdant pastures He gives me repose...His rod and his staff will follow me, all the days of my life..."

The meditation on The Word Among Us focused on the first reading, Daniel chapter 13, which was quite extensive this morning. It spoke of Susanna, Joakim's wife, and how she was unjustly accused of adultery, all because 2 wicked elders wouldn't control their lusts and desires. Instead of giving in to these unholy men, Susanna gives herself to the Lord, trusting Him completely to deliver her from evil. And because of her faith, the Lord stirs up the Holy Spirit within Daniel, and he helps her prove her innocence! What an extraordinary story! That is the kind of faith I strive for in my God! I pray that when I'm faced with my own trials and temptations, I will look to the Lord for strength and willpower!

There was something that stuck out at me in the gospel today. John 8 spoke of the adulterous woman, and how when the people wanted to stone her, Jesus said, "Let the one of you who is without sin cast the first stone." We must be careful in life not to judge others - or even situations too hastily. But then Jesus says this, which gives hope and comfort; "Neither do I condemn you. Go, and from now on do not sin any more." That is one of the big parts of confession - promising to God that we will amend our lives and do our best to sin no more. Now we are all sinful people, but I have to admit that that's a part of confession I didn't really put much thought into. That's a difficult thing to promise - difficult but possible. With my strength from the Lord, anything is possible! I CAN DO THESE THINGS!!!

Thursday April 7, 2011

It seems that once again, God picked today's scriptures out just for me! Even though I know in my own heart that Christ is uplifting, merciful and loving, I can't help but take today's readings as a guilt trip of sorts. Or perhaps my Father is just being firm and tough-loving with me.

John 5:31-47 - "...He was a burning and shining lamp, and for a while you were content to rejoice in his light. But I have testimony greater than John's...and you do not have his word remaining in you...You search the scriptures, because you think you have eternal life through them; even they testify on my behalf. But you do not want to come to me to have life...How can you believe, when you accept praise from one another and do not seek the praise that comes from the only God?"

Granted, I picked out the verses that spoke to me, and they may not be in the context in which I feel that they apply to me...but nevertheless God's word spoke to me. Especially the verse about, "How can you believe, when you accept praise from one another and do not seek the praise that comes from the only God?" and "but you do not want to come to me to have life." Those are harsh accusations, and I hate to say it, but correct. I do search texts and scriptures to get closer to God and to help me understand and on the right path...but how often do I just sit in silence, pray and just be with God? This is a hard task for me to do. Today I pray for continuing strength, that I may come back to the Lord all day long, asking for mercy, faith and love. For if I seek only the praise and approval of others and not my God, where will that get me?

I've not been consistent or faithful to my lenten devotion. My prayer time the past few weeks - well the past month or two - has suffered greatly. Satan works in sneaky ways, to the point of not noticing what is happening. Satan has been working on me, making me lazy, lacking discipline, as well as contributing to my feeling beat down and not good enough. I am in great need of God's wonderful grace, and yet cannot seem to grasp onto it. Which is a strange thing for me to say because I know that its out there, all I need to do is grab hold...why can't I do this? Why do I allow my will power to decline and settle for less than what I can do? I have this feeling - this desire for something - and after trying to pinpoint what it is (do I wish Eric were here, am I thirsty, should I sleep, etc...) I walk around searching for something, some satisfaction to cure my restlessness, and I realize that I'm thirsting for the Lord in my heart and in my life. Lord why do I hide from you? Why do I try to pretend not to want you?! I know that we go through spiritual highs and lows, valleys and mountains, drenches and thirsts...I know this. But how I hate feeling this spiritually low. I feel that we should always be struggling for perfection, I only wish it didn't feel this way. My friends, I need your prayers.

Perhaps lack of consistency is my problem. I don't feel like I've found my nitch yet...I keep telling myself that I need routine, that if I get into a schedule I like and feel comfortable with and that works in my life, I will be more organized and just scheduled. I have not been accomplishing this. When I read - whether it be in the morning, mid day or evening - I cannot concentrate. I find my mind going in other directions and I sit there, almost in a daze. It has become overwhelmingly frustrating lately, and I give up so quickly.

I think I need to go back to praying in the morning - that's when I had the most success. And I hope that my dedication to my spiritual life increases, therefore increasing my dedication and discipline in other aspects of my life.

I was reading a few journal entries in my prayer journal - before I began blogging I wrote in my notebook about the daily readings, and just my thoughts, very similar to this outlet - and one from January stuck out at me. I began the entry with, "The readings were really good today! Timothy spoke of one friend encouraging another friend to use the flame that God gave them to be ablaze for Christ!" I read that and I remembered what it felt like to enjoy reading scripture and spending my time with God. What am I waiting for - He's calling me back to Him...why do I protest?!

Discipline

Right away the Lord is speaking directly to me - Isaiah 1:10, 16-20 talks about letting go of the sinful ways, correcting what has gone wrong, and doing poorly no more. I ask for God to speak to me about what I should do, and I get vs. 10, which says, "Hear the word of the Lord, princes of Sodom! Listen to the instruction of our God, people of Gomorrah!" Katie! Wake up and listen, cause this one's for you! Vs. 16, "Wash yourselves clean! Put away your misdeeds from before my eyes; cease doing evil; learn to do good. Make justice your aim: redress the wronged...(19) If you are willing, and obey, you shall eat the good things of the land;" This speaks to me, saying, "Katie, its time to do more than just say, 'yes I know this is what I should do or need to do' - get up and make it happen!" Ok, I understand. Its time for me to quit my bad habits and start putting into action all the things I tell myself I really should do: more money in my savings, eating better, working out on a regular basis, be productive, pray, read, grow...I can do these things.

On a side note about my quiet prayer time/blogging: I need to find a different place to meditate. I love my home, its very charming and homey, but I find that I turn off all systems when I get home. I'm not encouraged to reflect or read, even though the reading materials that I DESIRE to read are vast right now. Somewhere I can read, reflect, type and perhaps sip a cup of coffee while doing so. Brainstorming will be required for this task - suggestions are accepted as well. If I had my own porch I think this would be a terrific place to go! When I close my eyes I can picture my parent's house and my father sitting on the front porch in the mornings, drinking coffee. There's something peaceful and inviting about this memory, and I will cherish it forever!

I haven't been sleeping well lately - it seems for the past 2 weeks or so I wake up countless times in the night and toss and turn and cannot go back to sleep. I wake up tired, drained and lacking energy. I wish I knew why this is.

I haven't seen Eric in what feels like forever. Our spring breaks (since we teach in different districts) were different weeks this year, and we've spent most of the last 2 weeks apart. I miss him terribly. I long and look forward to the near future where we will be able to spend some quiet time together and just be in each others' presence. I always thought I was happy before-turns out I didn't know what happiness was until after he came along. He makes my heart swell.

I got a new bike yesterday! Craigslist for $40!!! Its a retro 10-speed with the curved handle bars in front! I'm so excited to start my morning routine of riding my bike - OUTSIDE - in the mornings. Although I feel I'm in a low spot right now, I am embracing this wonderful weather we're having, and it helps bring me back up. Hello spring, where have you been all my life?! :)

I seem to have abandoned my menu planning - both in blogging and in life. Ha. My menu board in my kitchen still reads the last week in Feb. Perhaps again some day soon.

My Lenten Devotion

With the coming of Lent this year (yes I realize that we have been in the season of lent for almost 2 weeks now) I've had many people talk to me about what their lenten sacrifice would be this year, and in return, have asked me what I was planning on giving up. Growing up as a cradle catholic, I've been in the routine of always "giving something up" for lent, but it hasn't been until what I'm calling my "more mature years" that I've really put some thought into the sacrifices we give during lent and why.

The "why" was never really a point of reflection for me in years past, but I believe that its a very important question to ask. Why give up this specific thing; chocolate, Mt. Dew, speeding while driving, swearing, etc... Why that specific thing, and what purpose will it fulfill being absent from your life? The more I think about this, the more I'm convinced that its not enough to pick something that will be difficult for you to live without, but that we should find something that will be more meaningful, helping us get closer to God and strengthen our relationship with Him.

I've struggled with this for the last couple weeks, and on praying about it, I've decided that working on my prayer life will be my lenten goal this year. I received in the mail from my church a handy little booklet with daily meditations on scripture for lent, and my plan is to read those with the corresponding scripture, and then blog about it here - this will serve a double purpose (hopefully), and get me blogging more habitually, as well as deepen my relationship with God and preparing myself for Jesus' coming for Easter.

I know its Sunday evening, but I figure, why wait till tomorrow to start my growth?! :) So here we go. . . . . . .

Sunday March 20, 2011 - Second Sunday of Lent

Today's meditation speaks about the responsorial psalm, "The Lord is my light and my salvation, of whom should I be afraid," (Psalm 33: 4-5) and we are asked to repeat this to ourselves a few times..."Savor it. Let it sink in." Too often I sit through mass without letting God's word sink into my soul and settle within me. This is especially true when I'm leading music worship for the mass. I get caught up in which mass part should be sung next, which hymn will need to be up and ready, and as with any performance, nerves set in and I worry about messing something up. I've been trying to make a habit of praying before mass especially for my focus on the words, and the actual worship I am leading, and that it not be simply routine (when catholics get a bad rap for monotonous, boring and very robot-like church services, I think its because we allow ourselves to settle into the routine of it and not listen for the beauty of God's word in the mass - but that's a conversation for another day).

My meditation also compares listening to God during mass this way: "We simply listen to God speak to us. It's like sitting in the sun." I could relate to this completely, for I absolutely LOVE sitting in the sun and soaking up the warm rays of a beautiful day, and once I read this I immediately pictured myself laying in the sunshine and smiling, in check with my many thoughts. In the future, I hope to remember this analogy and allow myself to close my eyes and bask in the glory and wonder of my Father's words, and what He wants to say to me in our quiet time together!

Psalm 33 is simple, yet reassuring. "The Lord is my light and my salvation, of whom should I be afraid?" As I put myself to sleep tonight, Lord settle within my heart and let your promises embed deep within me. If I seek you, Father, as my light and my love, fear of the unknown or of the enemy or of despair will never bring me down.

Ok - Late, yes, but none-the-less my menu posting has resumed! Organization is a skill I have seriously lacked in my life, and I'm bound and determined to get better at it! I believe that planning and posting my meals for the week is a good tool in helping me organize my life. Also, to get more pumped about planning meals, I took a trick from one of my best friends Kristin, and checked out some cookbooks at the local library! I'm excited to really rev up my cooking skills as I continue to mature and "blossom" into womanhood! Haha! So, here are my meals for the week!

Monday: Shiitake Mushroom Chicken

Tuesday: Eric made a wonderfully yummy chicken and alfredo pasta dish

Wednesday: Sweet'n'heat glazed salmon

Thursday: Leftovers

Friday-Sunday: Eating out in Wichita for the weekend while attending WGO rehearsals

Next week is going to be really difficult with meals because I'll be driving back and forth to Wichita 3 of the 5 week days, and I think on Friday I'm attending my nieces' talent show. Lots of eating out on the road...doesn't do much for my health, so I better choose wisely. What's healthy fast food besides subway? I have discovered the new Wok and Roll bolls at Spangles to be quite good! Rice, meat and veggies....has to be better than burgers and fries, right? Here's hoping.

Roller coaster moments

We've all had them - those moments in life where nothing we do seems to be right, we have low self-esteem moments and we just feel really low. If that weren't enough, the women in my family have told me from the beginning that our family has chemical-embalencement issues, which make our highs higher and our lows dangerously low. I consider myself lucky in that I believe I got less of these problems than others in my family, as I've been able to deal with these highs and lows relatively well. There was a span of 3 or 4 years in college where I wasn't sure I could handle these rapidly changing emotions, and my lows were the lowest I've ever experienced. Counseling helped, as did my mother's and sisters' constant support. And I'm now at the point where I can recognize when these moments are happening and deal with them in rational ways, and I don't feel crazy like I used to think I was!

I suppose me writing this in my blog is a bit of therapy for me, or an outlet to deal with some feelings or emotions I cannot express well verbally.

There are times when I feel worthless and uninteresting, and I hate that.

Its frustrating that men (in general) don't always understand women or how to help us or communicate with us. Must women teach men how to do things the way we want them to go, or should we simply be less dramatic and straight and to the point? I like to think that I'm fairly drama-free, but I do know that I can be a bit of a diva sometimes. It also seems to be that the drama comes along with these emotional roller coaster moments - coincidence, or do I simply think too much? I've been a classic over-thinker with things in my life, and probably spend too much brain power on insignificant things that just don't matter in the grand scheme of life. Probably. . . .

One of the worst feelings is the feeling of doubt and insecurity. Not knowing what to do or say, or how to handle something. People say go with your instinct - but what if your instinct is wrong? When I'm emotional or my feelings have been hurt or my pride damaged, my instinct is to clam up, not speak and expect other people to know the right thing to do or say. I know that this is not helpful, but that is my instinct. For example, when I have a tiff with my boy-friend I do the "girl" thing and get an attitude and expect him to know what's wrong with me. And its not until after this damage has already been done (by me) do I think about explaining my thoughts or expressing my concerns about the situation. Why do I do this?

Now I pose this question to myself: Can I change the way I handle these sensitive situations? Surely I can learn from my past and, like learning to deal with my maturing emotions, learn how to stop myself from being this immature person. Thinking about it over and over and over again (classic over-thinker), I tell myself that with a mature outlook, and of course, with the Lord's strength, wisdom and guidance, I know that I can eventually, and maybe even bit by bit, break this pattern I've hated about myself for so long.

Ok, so I'm sooooo bad at this blogging game. Its been about 2 months since I've posted last, I know, fail for me. I've heard it before from many different teachers, but I never knew how true it was until this year - fall is a CRAZY busy time of the year! Activities, sports that takes kids out of rehearsals, events, busy weekends, it just seemed non stop! I've never had a fall season this busy ever before! Ok, so that's my excuse, and now to catch up on what's been happening with me lately.

In my last post I believe I wrote about me singing with the Wichita Grand Opera. I'm singing in the chorus, but since my last post I also found out that I've been accepted to participate in their Young Artist Program, which is fabulous! In addition to singing in the chorus for the 3 of the 4 operas they are producing, I will get to understudy 2 main roles from 2 of the operas, which is such an extraordinary opportunity! I will learn the role (in addition to the chorus parts), attend voice coaching sessions, learn the staging and work with the professional who will play the role I will understudy. It also means I will be getting PAID for each show I do with the WGO, which helps tremendously with my gas expenses! The rehearsals have been pretty low key, but the past few days its been a bit more involved. I've been in Wichita from Thursday Dec 30, until this evening (Jan 2) attending staging rehearsals, musical run throughs and costume fittings. This next week will be even more time consuming, as it is the week before the show premiers and we'll be doing nothing but dress rehearsals with full costume and make-up until Jan 8; it also means that I get to drive back and forth between home and Wichita nearly every day so I can not only attend nightly dress rehearsals, but also be at work during the day....school starts again for us tomorrow, and I would hate to have the kids come to a brand new semester of class and have a sub - not ok. So, I will travel for now. I will say that I'm glad the rehearsals are at night so that I'm able to make the drive, because I'm pretty sure they would laugh in my face if I told them I couldn't be at the dress rehearsals for the opera. At any rate, the music is tremendous, the people are great (I'm really enjoying getting to know them more and more), and its a wonderful opportunity for me to do this while I still can. It also has me thinking more about grad school. I always thought I would stop teaching while in grad school so that I could perform and work vocally as well as work on my grad degree. But now that I'm in the school and I'm forming relationships and getting my hands dirty in rehearsing, and really loving what I'm doing.....it would be so hard to leave now. I've heard that a university that I've considered attending is currently looking for sopranos....LOOKING for sopranos!!! That is incredible because sopranos are about a dime a dozen, and there are usually too many sopranos :)

In my last post I also mentioned that I had met someone. His name is Eric and he's fabulous! We've only known each other for about 2 months, but we're both already so in love and we are so thankful to have found one another!!! We have a great time together, we have so much in common, and we really just get each other! Its amazing how fast things have been moving, we've already talked about engagement, wedding, marriage, children, futures in careers and more. We spent Thanksgiving with each others families and it went very well. My family loves him and he's assured me that his family likes me just as much. Our weekends have been pretty full, so we have been spending most of our time together during the week, in the evenings and after school. Its nice that he lives in Chapman because its easy to see each other, but its still like we're in our own separate lives at the same time. He's a very dedicated teacher and works all the time! He has a dog named Miles who likes me just as much as Eric does, if not more, which is funny because Eric has said several times how similar they are, and they are the animal/human replica of each other, which is sooooo true...haha! He's obviously very important to Eric, and he's mentioned that Miles hasn't ever taken to anyone else like he has to me, which is funny. He's a sweet dog, and I like them both. :D

As I mentioned earlier, school starts for me tomorrow, and I'm ambiguous about starting again. While I'm excited to start our new literature, I'd still love to have a few more days of break, but then again, I'm sure I'll say that about every break I'll have in the future, and it'll always be true, haha! However, our next concert will be featuring numbers from well known musicals, so its going to be a lot of fun working up there pieces, and I really hope the kids will enjoy it! I'm very blessed to be where I am for many reasons, but one of the most important is my accompanist situation. There are many choirs and directors out there who have poor accompanists, or non at all! I happen to have 3 very talented accompanists working with me, so I never have to touch the piano minus warming up, which I prefer to do anyway. I can be out in front of the students, working with them instead of playing parts or accompanying! If that weren't enough, one of my accompanists is a music teacher as well, so when I'm gone and need a sub I can still have my groups working on their music. Having a sub who is also a music teacher isn't a luxury most music educators see in their careers, so I'm very lucky to have her to work with! This will come in extra handy when/if I need to take a day or two off here and there for the opera rehearsals in Wichita!

I won't bother putting up my menu for the week, as they will most likely be fast food meals on the road. I'll need to do double duty at the gym to counter this week coming up - oh yeah, and the holiday seasons...hahaha!

Hopefully everyone had safe and fun holiday seasons and I look forward to what 2011 has in store for us!!!